Tell Me, Darling Read online

  “Sadie,” said Joe. “You should come.”

  She took a breath and looked up. “I should come,” she said. “I know. I’m still afraid. I know there’s nothing to be afraid of, though.”

  “Something happened to you, didn’t it?” Joe’s eyes were kind. “That’s my guess. You used to be part of a church but then you were hurt, or betrayed. Now you’re hesitant to jump in again.”

  “Put on lots of this ointment,” she said. “Every time you change it.”

  “I’ll just keep coming to you to get it changed,” he said. “Am I right?”

  “You are right,” she said. “Hurt and betrayed and all of that. I want to come. I’m standing on the diving board and I know I’ll do it, but I’m taking that second or two to breathe before I take the plunge.”

  “Nice metaphor.” Joe got down from the table and inspected his fresh new dressing and plaster. “Thank you for this, Sadie. I hope you decide to take that plunge soon.”

  “You should ask Adam,” she said. “The new guy. I’m sure he’ll join you.”

  Joe looked pleased. “Thanks.”

  “Three Jacks!” shouted Raj, standing up and holding out his cards so everyone could see them. “You LOSE!”

  Sharon put up her hands in defeat. “All right, all right. I lose.” She put down her cards and looked down at herself. “Top or shorts?”

  “Top, top, top!” shouted Raj, Leon and Mitch, banging on the table with their fists. Sharon grinned and pulled off her shirt. She had a running bra underneath that didn’t look like underwear at all, and the guys groaned. “Ha,” she said. “I came prepared. Nothing you haven’t seen at the pool. And I won’t be losing again.”

  Raj gathered the cards and began to shuffle them. “I don’t know if I want to play again,” said Sadie. “I am not planning to take my top off, you can forget that.”

  “You can always do a forfeit instead,” said Sam, giving her arm a shove. “Come on, be a sport. Play so we can get the guys to strip.”

  “Okay,” said Sadie reluctantly, picking up her cards, although she didn’t think she was too interested in seeing the guys in their underwear. It was after ten and the staff lounge was buzzing with the remains of a surprise birthday party they had thrown for Emma. There was another bucket of punch on the table and the remains of a birthday cake bought from the supermarket in the village. Emma and Caitlin and some of the other girls were dancing to some music in a corner, and Richard and a few of the other guys were dotted around on the couch and the chairs, drinking punch and eating cake, crisps and popcorn. Joe had come by earlier, tasted the punch and pretended not to notice what it was, and then had gone off to do night duty so the others could have their party. Ingrid had volunteered to join him, which pleased everyone – everyone except Sadie who had felt a sharp pang of jealousy seeing the two of them walk off together. She had impulsively agreed to play the game in an attempt to cover up the unwelcome feeling. It had been fun so far, but now she was regretting it – she really didn’t want to end up ruining the mood by refusing to play along when the crunch came.

  Luckily her cards weren’t too bad and after the next few rounds Mitch had his shirt off and Raj was in his boxers. Then she lost one and was saved by the belt she wore with her denim shorts. When Sam whipped off her shirt and sat unconcerned in her lacy purple bra Sadie was getting worried. She wanted to stop, but she didn’t want to be the party pooper. She picked up her next hand, her head swimming at the conflict that was going on in her mind. Which one is me? she wondered. Am I the fun girl who drinks the mystery punch and plays along, or am I the prude whose conscience ruins the party? One thing she knew – she had absolutely no intention of taking off her T-shirt or her shorts. Stick to your limits, she reminded herself. You still have to live with yourself when you go home.

  Her cards were awful and by the time she had to show them she didn’t have much hope. She knew what was coming.

  “I lose,” she said, putting them down on the table. “My clothes are staying on so I choose a forfeit. Be kind to me, please.”

  “All right,” said Sharon. “I have just the thing. It can’t be something pathetic – it needs to have the same weight as getting your kit off, right?”

  “Yeah!” said Raj.

  “Then get Gabriel over here,” said Sharon. Sadie’s heart sank. Gabriel was on the other side of the room, a cup of punch in his hand, having an animated conversation with Juan in Spanish.

  “Gabriel!” yelled Raj. “Get over here!”

  Gabriel turned and came up to the table, an expectant look on his face. “I can play now?” he said.

  “No,” said Sharon. “Sadie needs to do a forfeit. She doesn’t want to take her clothes off.”

  “Of course she don’t,” said Gabriel. “Sadie is a classy lady.”

  Everyone laughed.

  “Oi,” said Sam, putting her hands on her hips and displaying the ample contents of her purple bra to their full advantage. “What are you saying?” Gabriel shrugged and everyone laughed again, including Sam.

  “Give her a kiss, Gabriel, por favor,” said Sharon. “Right here, a good one, on the lips.”

  Everyone clapped and cheered.

  “Okay, no problem,” said Gabriel. He walked up to Sadie and bent over. Before she could say anything, it was too late – his hair was falling around her face and his mouth was on hers, tasting of punch and cigarettes too. It wasn’t just a friendly peck, either, and when he stood up again, to more applause and cheering, Sadie could not resist the temptation to wipe her mouth with her hand. She felt sick, embarrassed and miserable. What if Joe heard about this? It didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, but still, she would hate him to know.

  She faked a grin. “All right, you got me good,” she said, as Gabriel went back to his conversation with Juan. “I thought you would be kind.”

  “Come on,” said Sharon. “I doubt that was anything you two hadn’t done before.”

  Sadie kept silent, knowing she deserved that after all the flirting and snuggling that everyone had seen in the first few weeks. Sam raised her eyebrows.

  “What’s up with you, lately, Sadie?” asked Raj, as he dealt again. “Has Joe got to you with his Bible bashing?”

  “What?” said Sadie, her heart racing. “Joe?”

  “Yeah. He tried to evangelise me the other day, when I thought I was going to get sacked after that parent complained about my filthy mouth. Seriously. As if I would want to hear that. I’m a Hindu - my poor mother would have a fit if she thought I was going to start going to church.”

  “Oh,” said Sadie. “No he hasn’t. I didn’t even know he was a Christian until yesterday.”

  “Lucky for you,” said Raj. “It explains the self-righteous crap he spouts.”

  Sadie suddenly felt mad. She kept her cool but her tone was firm. “I have never heard Joe spouting self-righteous crap,” she said. “What about the rest of you?”

  Sam picked up her cards. “I agree with Sadie,” she said. “Don’t know what you have against him, Raj. All he does is keep you in your place when you cross the line.”

  Raj picked up his cards and sat back. “Fine,” he said. “Whatever. Let’s play. Time to get these girls undressed, lads.”

  Mitch and Leon laughed, but Sadie put down her cards and stood up. “I don’t want to play anymore,” she said. “Gabriel can have my place.”

  “Yeah!” said Gabriel, from the other side of the room.

  “He’ll have to take off two things!” said Sharon. “You lost twice!”

  “No problemo!” said Gabriel. In a few seconds he was sitting in Sadie’s place, minus his shirt and belt. Sadie went and sat on the couch with Juan. Suddenly it all seemed childish – childish and sordid. She wondered what on earth had got into her when she had agreed to play.

  “Not fun anymore?” said Juan.

  “No,” said Sadie. “It’s making me uncomfortable.”

  “Good for you,” he said.

 
“I heard you go to Joe’s group in the mornings,” said Sadie.

  “I do,” he said. “He read the Bible and we talk and we pray. It’s good.”

  “Why do you go?”

  “Joe tell me some things from the Bible I not know before from going to church at home. Like about faith and being saved. I want to know more so I go. And is good for my English.”

  “Who goes?”

  “Is me and Richard. One time, Gabriel come but he no want to come again. And one of English tutor – I don’t know her name. She come sometimes.”

  “Oh.” Sadie wondered if he was talking about Ingrid.

  “You want to come?” asked Juan.

  “Maybe,” she said. “Yes, I want to come.”

  Juan smiled. “That is good,” he said.

  Sadie smiled and sat back on the couch. It had come down to this: strip poker or a Bible study. The poker hadn’t gone so well – after deciding that she was done with kissing guys, now she had the taste of one in her mouth. It was time to pluck up her courage, set her alarm for the next morning and make the jump.

  Chapter 29

  Sadie woke up at 6.30 the next morning to Caitlin’s alarm. She sat up.

  “Sorry!” whispered Caitlin. “I didn’t want to wake you – I’m just going … somewhere.”

  “To Joe’s group?” asked Sadie, rubbing her eyes and putting on her glasses.

  “Yes – how did you know?”

  “I heard Richard goes,” said Sadie. “And it’s okay – I’m going too.”

  “Really?” Caitlin squealed. “I am so glad! I was feeling really nervous about going but …”

  “But Richard asked you to,” finished Sadie.

  “Yes,” sighed Caitlin. “But I’m interested too. He says he’s been talking with Joe since just after camp started and he’s learnt so many new things. I’m curious.”

  “Me too,” said Sadie. “Come on, Tennis Bird. At least we get our choice of showers if we are up so early!”

  Sadie’s heart was thudding as she walked towards the office with Caitlin, her Bible in her hand. She was going to a Christian gathering for the first time in over a year, since she had broken up with Paul, and her pastor and friends had questioned her honesty and even her sanity. Since the therapist she had seen a few times afterwards had suggested that she stay away from him for a while, which meant not going to their church, she had never tried to find another one. Since then, moving towards a different future without Paul had seemed to be the same thing as moving away from God. She had thought, maybe just subconsciously, that her old church and God were a package deal, and that by leaving the one she was rejecting the other. Yet here she was; she had flown so far and had ended up here. About to sit around a Bible again.

  Joe was sitting on one of four chairs in a circle when they walked in. He got up quickly as soon as he saw them.

  “You came!” he said. “A little earlier than you’re used to, right?”

  “A little,” said Sadie, as Richard walked in, still looking rather bleary-eyed, and Caitlin scuttled over to him. “It’s not as if we had far to go.”

  “Hmm,” said Joe. “I think it’s been a very long road for you, Sadie. You took the plunge.”

  “I’m still in free fall,” said Sadie. “I am so nervous.”

  “Hey, it’s okay,” he said, putting an arm around her shoulders and giving her a squeeze. “It’s just me. Nothing scary at all.”

  She took a deep breath. “You’re right,” she said. “Just you. And a Bible.” She sat down on one of the chairs, as Joe went forward to greet Canadian Adam, who had just walked in behind Juan. Soon two more chairs had been added to the circle, and everyone looked expectantly at Joe. No Ingrid, thought Sadie. She was relieved.

  “Wow,” he said, his Bible on his knee. “Our group has doubled overnight. Sadie, Caitlin, Adam – I’m so glad you joined us. We’ve been reading through the book of Luke, then talking about it a bit, then praying together. That’s all, really. I’m not a Bible teacher or anything, I’m not trying to preach – we’re just reading together and seeing what we can learn. Okay? Caitlin?”

  “Okay,” said Caitlin, blushing. “I have never done this before. It feels weird.”

  “I hadn’t either until a few weeks ago,” said Richard, patting her knee. “Don’t worry.”

  “Maybe you can pray for us to start, Richard?” said Joe.

  “Me?” Richard looked surprised.

  “Yes,” said Joe. “Just ask God to help us understand.”

  “All right,” said Richard. “I’m not very good at this, I warn you.”

  “No problem,” said Adam. “Praying is praying, whatever you say.”

  Richard bowed his head, and Sadie did the same.

  “Dear God,” said Richard. “Um … thank you for this time that we can read your word. Please help us to understand it. Because … it’s not easy to understand sometimes. Please will you help all of us where we need it. Amen.”

  Sadie looked up. Caitlin still looked embarrassed. “Thanks Rich,” said Joe. “Let’s open up then. I think we’re on Chapter 15.”

  As Adam began to read in his lilting accent, Sadie realised with a jolt that it was the story of the prodigal son. Her heart beat fast and her palms felt clammy as Adam read about the son taking his father’s inheritance and spending it. She felt tears behind her eyes as he read how he sank so low, ending up living with pigs and eating their food. And when she pictured the father seeing his long-lost son coming up the road, hitching up his robes and running to embrace him, she couldn’t stop them from falling. She hastily wiped them away with her hand, hoping no one had noticed.

  “He was lost, and is found.” Adam stopped reading. Sadie blinked to make sure her eyes weren’t still damp, and looked up.

  “What a story,” said Joe.

  “Yeah,” said Richard. “I suppose the father is God and we’re like the rebellious son.”

  For the next twenty minutes or so they talked about the story. Sadie didn’t say much. She had thought that Caitlin wouldn’t either, but she seemed intrigued and asked quite a few questions.

  “Why is the father so kind to the son?” she asked. “He doesn’t even ask him what he’s done, or where the money is. He just embraces him and throws a party.”

  “Because he’s his son,” said Sadie. “He’s his son and he loves him.”

  “That’s grace, isn’t it?” said Richard, frowning over the Bible on his lap. “That’s what you were telling us the other day, Joe – that God’s’ love for us is a free gift that we don’t deserve.”

  “Amen,” said Canadian Adam. “You know the song, don’t you – Amazing Grace? It has this line in it – I once was lost, but now am found. Verse 24.”

  “Wow,” said Richard.

  “I have read this story before,” said Juan, “but I understand better now. This story is not to tell us we are bad. It is to tell us God is good and he loves us all the time, no matter what we do. We can run to him like we run to our fathers.”

  No more running away, thought Sadie, as she put down her head and read the words again. To run away from God, when he loves you and wants only good for you – that isn’t freedom.

  When it ended, they prayed for a few minutes. Joe prayed aloud, and so did Adam, but the others stayed quiet and that was fine. Too soon, it seemed, they were all getting up to leave and it was over.

  “Sadie,” said Joe, as she put away her chair. “I didn’t plan that.”

  She smiled. “You mean the appropriateness of the story for me?”

  “Yes. I’m not trying to push you at all. It was a coincidence. All I want to do is encourage you.”

  “I know. I don’t doubt that one bit.”

  “Good. Just so you know.”

  “I do. Joe – do you think that God always takes us back? Even if the running away is deliberate? Or cowardly?”

  “I think he does. I think he has a great capacity for forgiveness and grace. He wants us to come back to him
. Like you said – we are his children.”

  “Have you ever tried to run away?”

  Joe paused. “Not for an extended time, if that’s what you mean. But I was running from him before I became a Christian, and on a small scale I probably do it daily.”

  Sadie was quiet.

  “He understands hurt, Sadie. He knows whatever happened to you and he understands.”

  “It was a boyfriend,” Sadie found herself saying. “He abused me, verbally. Emotionally. Physically, but just once. After that I left him. But he got to keep our church, and our friends. They believed his lies, and they probably still do. I haven’t been to church since then.”

  “I am so sorry, Sadie,” said Joe. She looked into his eyes, focussed with sympathy and concern, and she believed him. “That must be so hard.”

  “It was. I’m okay now. It was good, Joe, to read the Bible again. To know I was seeing him, meeting him in the pages. I have missed that – and hearing someone pray aloud. Thank you.”

  “It’s a pleasure,” he said. “An honour, to help you in any way. I can’t even count the ways you have helped me since we met.”

  Sadie smiled. By now the camp was up and awake, and the noise of kids making their way to the dining room for breakfast was changing the quiet early morning mood. Oh Joe, she thought, as she walked away from the office. I wish I could help you, every day, I wish I could solve your problems and make you laugh and take away your headaches forever.

  At breakfast later Sadie felt as if everyone could see that she had just been to a Bible Study. She wondered if she cared – if she wanted them to know. Raj would probably scoff, Gabriel would shrug, Sam wouldn’t mind one way or the other. The rest of the day was busy. She had paperwork to catch up on, an admin shift in the office, and a session taking a group of kids for a swim at the pool. She brought her swimming things and swam with them, doing lengths up and down until she was exhausted and it was time to head back. She cleaned up a knee scraped on the soccer field and iced a shoulder twisted in a Martial Arts class, and comforted a fourteen-year-old girl who was having a fight with her friends and couldn’t stop crying. She had night duty again and walked the passages with Caitlin until ten thirty, then crawled into her bed feeling as if she could sleep for a week. But all through the day, whatever she had been doing, she had been thinking about that father running to meet his long-lost son. As she worked, swam, ate, and walked the halls – she had been thinking about the son leaving home, doing whatever he wanted without a thought for what he had left behind. She thought about what must have been the moment of epiphany – when he had realised the treasure he had left behind and turned away from, and longed to go home. She thought about how he had hoped that his father would take him back as a servant and how unbelievable it must have been to realise that his father would take him back as a son. Thank you for this story, Jesus, she prayed, as she lay down at last to sleep. Thank you for showing me that I can always come back, that you have been waiting all the time for me to come back. As she fell asleep she remembered the last line of her letter to herself: Remember who loves you, and always come back. There was a smile on her face as she finally drifted off.